Episode V.5: Random Thoughts, Redux

I'm polishing up the final piece on the Star Wars trilogy, but had a lot on my mind. Now it can be on your mind!

—Far too often, we let ourselves get distracted from the heart of issues. Most recent example: FOX News' uproar over Stephen Colbert's appearance before Congress. No discussion of why he was there and what he was saying. Same thing happened with the Park51 Mosque and the Koran burning. Recognizing the distortion is key to working past it.

—Stephen Fry in the next Sherlock Holmes movie? And as RDJ's older, just as intelligent, brother Mycroft Holmes? Excellent casting.

—Fan-made no longer has the stigma of the Star Wars kid:

THE WALKING DEAD "Opening Titles" from Daniel Kanemoto on Vimeo.


—The Walking Dead will premiere on AMC, appropriately, on Halloween. The first episode will be an hour-and-a-half of kick-assery.

—When you can get discharged from the military for being openly heterosexual, and that alone, I'll be OK with people getting discharged for being openly homosexual.

—This is seriously exciting: Back to the Future Re-Release. Please note that the Monday showing is on the day that Marty first went back in time. Pardon my minor nerdgasm.

—Halloween's soon. It won't be the same without my two favorite flappers, Dr. Henry Jones, Sr., Prince Akeem, Jack & Jill, the Lone Ranger, a butterfly (who should've been GaGa), and whatever the hell Hannah was.

—It'll also be missing Pimp My Pump '09.

—I'm now debating between Judah from 30 Rock and Charlie from Always Sunny, specifically, Charlie from "Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass." Tough call, really. Keep in mind, whatever I'll be doing, I'll be doing with Day Man and Night Man.

—I'll be missing Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity and Stephen Colbert's March to Keep Fear Alive. This makes me sad, but on the other hand, I'll be celebrating my cousin's birthday in New York City, so I'm sure I'll get over it. Friends who are going: have a blast for me. Take lots of pictures, record as much as you can, and have as many celebrities call me as possible.

—You can tell it's autumn up here. I've missed autumn, almost as much as I've missed snow. Which is right around the corner.

—I'm curious as to what exactly the radical homosexual agenda is. The same bullshit was spewed when Judge Vaughn Walker ruled Prop. 8 as unconstitutional.

—After watching Jon Stewart on The O'Reilly Factor and Bill O'Reilly on The Daily Show, you get a feel for their friendship. Also, Jon is a much more gracious host.

—Probably didn't need to watch both shows to figure out that last bit.

—Spoiler Alert: Super edgy cool guy Mark Millar had his latest creation lace a womb with bombs. All you can do is shake your head sometimes.

—Max Weinberg won't be coming with Conan O'Brien to TBS. I'll miss their awkward stares.

—The problem with the Tea Party is not their views. It's their inability to have reasoned discourse about their views. Or my views. More than anything else, they're fueled by emotion. Emotion, very simply, is more powerful than logic and reason. That's why a Pinko-Commie like me can't have a reasonable conversation with my Tea Party parents. This, of course, is exactly what the corporations behind the Tea Party want (look into FreedomWorks and Koch Industries, to name just two of the bankrollers).

—The entire Star Wars Saga will be released in 3D, starting with The Phantom Menace in February 2012. Every year after that, the next one will come out—but only if TPM does well. With that stipulation, it sounds like a money scheme by George Lucas/Lucasfilm. He realizes few people seriously enjoyed the PT enough to go pay twice as much to see it in 3D, but if he holds the OT ransom? It might work, too.

—In honor of The Social Network, out tomorrow, here's a trip down memory lane:
    Remember when Facebook was The Facebook?
    Who was the person that first introduced you to Facebook? (Kyle B., during my junior year of high school)
     Facebook used to only be for college students. Then high schoolers and college students. Then everyone.
     Who was your first facebook friend? (Leah N., who I wound up serving with on the Owen Hall Council)
     Poking used to be a big deal.

Episode V: The Writing Bug Strikes Back

Since 1977, nerds have argued about Star Wars. I'd daresay your regular, non-obsessive folks, too. Lucas’ revisions and the entire PT have provided ample ammunition for discussions: Did Han shoot first? Why did the Empire decide to rebuild the Death Star, but bigger? Was Darth Vader an emo bitch, or a whiny brat? Why does Obi-Wan tell Luke he hasn’t gone by Obi-Wan since before Luke was born when he was clearly still answering to Obi-Wan AFTER the birth of Luke? Why Jar Jar? But what’s rarely debated is The Empire Strikes Back’s (ESB) stature as the pinnacle of the Star Wars franchise. It's more exciting, expands the universe, adds character depth, and advances the story by at least 12 parsecs. It does everything a stand-alone film should do, but does it better because of its advantage as a sequel.

An aside on sequels: Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. For every Spider-Man 2, Godfather, Part II, The Dark Knight, we have a Basic Instinct II, Transformers II, or the second Bush presidency. The second sequel, however, seems to follow a universal rule of near-complete suckage: TMNT: Turtles in Time, Jurassic Park III, Godfather, Part III, Blade: Trinity, Spider-Man 3. There are definitely enjoyable 3-quels: The Last Crusade, Return of the Jedi, Back to the Future, Part III, but I would never say they're the best of their respective series. Editor's Note: David aptly recognized Toy Story 3 as a third film that may, in fact, be better than its predecessors. I think it is. Watch the garbage disposal scene and try not to weep. And, just to keep things from getting too comfortable, there's the occasional great franchise opener: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Iron Man. Point is, just because it's a sequel does not mean it will take it's rightful place. Just ask Attack of the Clones. 

George Lucas, in a rare moment of clarity, didn't want to direct this. He's gone on record a number of times discussing his dislike of directing, so he sought out an old professor: Irvin Kershner. This move might've been the best decision made in regards to Star Wars, besides greenlighting it. Following close behind was the decision to bring on Lawrence Kasdan to write the script. Kasdan, for those who don't know, wrote Raiders of the Lost Ark. I will contend that George Lucas is a damn fine idea man. He just can't write well. Kasdan can, so when you put the two of them together, you get something stellar. But Joey, what about Return of the Jedi? Hold your horses, kid! That's up after this. Stay focused! So what we have is a director who likes directing, a writer who likes writing, and an idea man who likes idea manning. They're like the Planeteers, and ESB is Captain Planet. 

Now, what ANH did for setting, ESB did for character. Luke and R2 have their own arc, far removed from the Rebellion and friends. Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO's situation hits rock bottom, and then burrows down into liquid-hot magma. New characters pop-up who impact the story in irreparable ways: Yoda, The Emperor, Boba Fett, and everyone's favorite space pimp/Cloud City administrator/former-owner of the Millennium Falcon, Lando Calrissian. These four do as much in the mythos as the ANH crew. That's no small task. Yoda has an entrance on the opposite side of the spectrum as Darth Vader. Small, unassuming, and playful, he sneaks into Luke's camp on Dagobah and "befriends" him and R2. A short while later, we learn Yoda is the last living Jedi Master and the one who will train Luke. Thankfully, he's underexposed in the OT, giving him a mysterious aura. His odd speech pattern gives an extra umph to his sayings, of which there are many: "Wars not make one great," "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter," and his most famous, "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Yoda is a do-er, too. Right after saying that to Luke, he lifts Luke's X-Wing completely out of the swamp and onto solid ground. Holy crap. Talk about mind blown. Even more than Vader Force choking people left and right in this movie, Yoda picking up the X-Wing made the Force tangible. Now it was more than blocking shots while blind-folded or hearing Obi-Wan's voice.

We also got a brief view of Emperor Palpatine. Depending on when you saw the movie, you either saw a woman with chimpanzee eyes superimposed over hers, or you so Ian McDiarmid is really terrible make-up. The conversation changes, too, depending on the year. But what stands out, what matters, remains the same: The Son of Skywalker exists. It's here we get our first hint at Vader's identity; instead of agreeing that the boy should be killed, Vader suggests turning him to the dark side. Ever an opportunist, Palpatine jumps on board, and the stage is set. Luke Skywalker is wanted alive by the Empire.

Boba Fett has the honor as one of the most beloved side-characters in Star Wars. Of course, that means George Lucas ruined him in the PT. But for 20+ years, Boba's legacy grew and grew, and he had some pretty cool stories. To think, it all started with the bounty Jabba put out on Han Solo. Remember that from ANH? It was the reason Han took the money and split before the attack on the Death Star. I guess after helping murder millions of Imperials, he didn't find the time to head back to Tatooine and pay off his old boss. Which meant the bounty was still in place when Vader called together a ton of bounty hunters to find the Millennium Falcon. Turns out Boba was the best of the best: He out-smarted Han, probably got paid by the Empire, and collected the bounty. I think he had about 3 or 4 lines in the entire movie (a key, silence is, to creating a badass). Han might've had a chance though, if it wasn't for the betrayal of his former friend, Lando.

Lando Calrissian is the first black character in Star Wars. And he betrays one of the most beloved characters. He may as well have been straight out of a ‘70s blaxploitation…Oh. Well, nevermind. Truth is, despite this back-stabbery, Lando's too charming and too awesome not to like. He turns on the Empire the second Vader is out of sight and nearly gets Han rescued from Fett. Even cooler than that? Lando used to own the Millennium Falcon. Backstory, history, and informed characters? It's like they're real people!

I said before, our heroes go through some harsh times—Han, Leia, Chewie, and 3PO in particular. In their suffering, though, we get some phenomenal moments: Han and Leia’s kiss is one of those scenes that does everything right. From building tension, to Han's charm, to Leia's toughness, to 3PO lacking any semblance of tact. Well-written and well-executed. Marvelous work, made even better by the teasing and goading from earlier in the movie. That's just the tip of the ice berg: One of Han’s best moments in the entire OT, is his reaction Vader sitting at the table. Han shoots first. The man opens fire on the baddest baddie in the galaxy. That’s the type of guy you want on your side. There’s also the infamous profession of love, which has a great backstory that speaks to the abilities of Harrison Ford and Kershner: Take after take, Ford was saying the line as written, which was, “I love you, too,” or “I love you.” Kershner wasn’t happy about any of the takes, and finally told Ford to say what comes naturally. Next thing we know, classic moment. Less classic but more comedic, 3PO gets blown to pieces and Chewie puts him back together. But only kind of: The top-half of 3PO is complete, and Chewie wears him like a droid backpack. Less comedic and more sad is the moment Han and Chewie share right before Han is put in carbon freeze. A tender moment between literal partners in crime.

And then there’s Luke on Dagobah. I’ve been criticized for calling this slow and, blasphemous as it might be, boring. It's all made by Yoda, without whom, Luke is just whining about not going to the Toshi station again. I jest, but Luke comes off as bitchy every now and then. Of course, that makes sense narratively: Luke still doesn't "get" what he's doing. Not until his confrontation with Vader. He even gets a preview of it when he goes into the cave. It took me a while to fully comprehend this scene, to be honest. When I got old enough to think about it, man, did I think about it. When Luke asks what's inside, Yoda's answer couldn't be more ominous: "Only what you take with you." Damn homie. Damn.

You can't talk about ESB without talking about the ginormous twist. I'm not entirely sure if I've spoiled it yet, but if I haven't, spoilers abound!

Darth Vader, for all his faults, lacks finesse. It's obvious he went into Cloud City without any sort of plan beyond "Freeze Luke." Maybe he panicked a bit when he sliced off Luke's hand, and just kind of blurted out that they're related. Because there are better ways to have that conversation. It doesn't involve forced amputation or throwing oneself from a high tower. I mean, Vader offered Leia, Han, and Chewie a meal! And he didn't have anything to say to them! But he couldn't extend the same courtesy to his son? I think he just got excited because right after telling Luke he's Anakin Skywalker, he starts blabbering about ruling the galaxy as father and son. Not the best time, pops. But it's not all on Vader. Luke could've reacted in a much more mature way. Crying? Jumping away from his problems? Luke needs to man up. Have a conversation with dear old dad before making rash decisions. My only real nitpick about this scene is the loss of Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber. I always felt something should've been made of the fact that Luke's first lightsaber, formerly his father's, was lost. Then again, my heart broke when the DeLorean was destroyed in BTTF 3, so maybe I'm too attached to movie gadgets.

Bam! Another one in the history books. Or internet logs. I'm not sure where this is contained, for official purposes, but I know it's somewhere. In a few more days, we'll get to the exciting conclusion of the Star Wars!

Episode IV: A New Blog

That's right, Wookiees and Twi'leks, Mon Calamari and Bothans! It's time for a war amongst the stars! STAR WARS! Even moreso than my beloved Jurassic Park, Star Wars shows up in my day-to-day. My high school graduation present was a gnarly Stormtrooper Fossil watch. I have five lightsabers (green, blue, purple, red, and red). The Original Trilogy (OT) on VHS is a prized possession. Nearly every one of my blogs has a reference to this gigantic space opera. This started as a blog about cheesiness in Star Wars and Indiana Jones. Then I started watching a lot of Star Wars on Spike. Then I popped in the DVDs. And here we are, with a kind of finished product! Since my page count was getting pretty high, I'm breaking one giant blog into three smaller entries (sounds familiar, does it?).

What better place to start than the beginning? The beginning being the middle, of course. Originally released as Star Wars, A New Hope (ANH) kicked us right into the Galactic Civil War. First thing we see is a space ship (the Tantive IV, of course) being pursued and overtaken by one of the greatest creations in cinema, a Star Destroyer. What really makes the opening shot is how long it takes for the Star Destroyer to come completely in frame. Which really sums up the Rebellion and the Empire rather elegantly. The badass space battle continues into badass hallway combat (one word, “badass” is, according to Merriam-Webster. Know this, I did not). It's here we meet a ton of major players: R2 and 3PO, Leia, and making one of the most intimidating entrances ever, Darth Vader. In the middle of corpse-strewn hallways, this 7-foot, clad-in-black monster walks over bodies and gets everyone to stop what they’re doing. That’s how you show an audience this guy commands respect/fear. He's a man/machine on a mission, and as Captain Antilles found out, you don't survive long in Vader's path. He crushes throats, with his hands or the Force, whichever is most convenient, he watches a planet explode, he fights his old master, who put him in that menacing life-support-system. Did a group of fighters break off from the main group? No worries! Vader will just hop in his custom TIE Fighter and blow them up. Seriously, there isn't much he can't do. Or won't do. Darth Vader is a villain afterall. Not some whiny snot of a teenager. That'd be ridiculous!

The best part of ANH, and it’s been said before, is the setting. In this case, it’s Tatooine. Instead of flash and pizzazz (still use pizzazz, do people?), we get rundown and worn-in. This is a planet of one climate and one geographic description: hot and desert (a pattern, this will become). On this planet, we meet a whole horde of creatures. First are the Jawas with their creepy, glowing eyes, short stature, and giant Sandcrawlers. There’s the Sand People, who ride Banthas in single-file, hide their tracks, and kill like it was breathing. Can’t have a planet without humans, of course, so we see a few of them at Luke’s place and Mos Eisley. But once we get into Mos Eisley (a wretched hive of scum and villainy), humans are the minority. Seriously. In the cantina, it’s Luke, Obi-Wan, Han, and the bartender. Everyone else is an alien. That right there is George Lucas doing work, showing us this universe is huge without telling us a thing. And frankly, I appreciate the diversity here because after we leave Mos Eisley, the movie gets a lot more human. (And white. A-whole-nother bag of womp rats, that is.) Speaking of Mos Eisley: awesome. It’s as close to the Wild West as we get in Star Wars, with bar fights, murder, shoot-outs, and daring getaways. Bodies were left where they fell. I’ve always been curious about what happened to Ponda Baba’s arm.

Of course, the cantina serves as the birthplace of one of the most idiotic of Star Wars controversies: Who shot first? In the 1977 release, Han Solo, smuggler extraordinaire, is confronted by Greedo. Turns out Jabba the Hutt put a price on Han's head. Right when it looks like Greedo is going to collect, BAM! Han shoots him under the table, tosses the bartender a credit, and walks out. That's character development. Here's a guy who doesn't have time for stooges or two-bit bounty hunters. He has no problem taking decisive action in a dangerous situation. Naturally, George Lucas thought that ought to be changed. Can't have a hero acting like a villain, or some such BS (think too long about it, and explode, your head will). So Georgie has Greedo shoot first, using terrible CGI to make Han dodge and return fire. And because he can be a giant tool, he wore a "Han Shot First" shirt while filming the PT. Dude is an ass-hole.

After Mos Eisley, we witness the destruction of Alderaan, in all its peacefulness and beauty. Heck, they don't even have weapons! I wonder what that sudden gravity vacuum would do to the remaining planets of that system. Billions die in an instant, and Obi-Wan senses it, adding more intrigue to the Force. The Death Star capture and prison break is fun to watch. You see Luke appealing to Han's blank blank, Leia taking charge, and Han wondering what the hell he and Chewie got dragged into. It all culminates with the showdown between Obi-Wan and Darth Vader. What they engage in isn't your typical fight: Vader may have his head in it, but Obi-Wan is just distracting him. If the Dark Lord of the Sith is concentrating on the man that maimed him, he won't see the criminals escaping. It works, too, although Obi-Wan has to sacrifice himself. Only kind of, though. Since he's still kind of alive through the Force. Which is neat. Creepy, too, when he starts talking to Luke and appearing to him. But mostly neat.

Logical is not a word too often associated with ANH. Or Star Wars in general. After an escape from the Death Star, Leia surmises they’re being tracked by the Empire. Naturally, they go to the hidden Rebel base. This would be the same hidden Rebel base the Empire was so desperate to find, they blew up Alderaan. Younger Joey didn’t pick up on that, but older, wiser, bitchier Joey sure did. It’s as illogical as the Empire allowing for a single vent that, if discovered, could be the undoing of a space station the size of a moon. I’ll chalk up the latter to designer laziness/fear of telling someone he/she/it made a mistake and have to face the wrath of the Emperor. The former, well, I guess you don’t need to pass an IQ test to become Alderaanian royalty. Or to be Jedi Master. Obi-Wan hardly changes his name. He and Yoda decide to let Luke keep his dad’s last name, and then let him be raised by his dad’s step-brother. And all of that on Anakin Skywalker’s home planet. But those logical fallacies exist because Lucas can’t write any better than we understand Chewie.

It's wild watching ANH, seeing the characters at the start of the journey. The contrast is huge, and a large part of that is because they aren't full-fledged characters in ANH. Yes, they have arcs, but they're more archetypes, each person playing a role. Don't take that as a mark against them because it isn't. Lucas drew heavily from the works of Akira Kurosawa and the ideas of Joseph Campbell when creating ANH. These are classically defined roles Han, Luke, and Obi-Wan are filling: the anti-hero, the hero, and the wise, old mentor. Leia's a spin on the tried and not-so-true damsel-in-distress, and she shines because of this. The droids are the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of the group, and Chewie is the faithful sidekick. These latter three don't get much in the way of growth, to be honest, but it's good to have constant characters sometimes. It's not a perfect movie by any means. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be. That's what we have The Empire Strikes Back for. That's next! Until then, may the Force be with you.